So first day of finals right...I wake up an hour late for my first one, and it's fuckin cold outside so now I don't even warm up my car I just drive there.  Pull into the fuckin parking lot while going to park hit a patch of ice and run into the back of a car...actually more like have my front end get jammed under it.  So far a shitty fuckin day, and now I have to take a final for a class I could care less about and don't even have the stuff to cram before hand.  I just want to fuckin be shot right now I don't even care about life itself at this point.  yeah I know break is comming and Christmas will be here soon and all that fun fuckin shit but I don't give a damn.  I apologize for all the harsh language but it let's you know how roaly pissed I am.

So Winter Break for college is coming up here soon, and I want to hang with people over break, but it seems like everyone will be gone.  Or the people I hung with this summer are no fun anymore because I drink and they don't and it's just weird.  I would love to hang with my ex girlfriend just cause I think us hanging out would be a fun time, just as friends obviously.  But I don't really know if I know her, I wonder if she has started drinking or not?  If she has she and a few other people would be fun to hang with and drink with, it would be an interesting night.  Even if she doesn't drink do I dare ask her if she wants to hang out over break?  Let me know people, I like guys input but I would really like a girl's opinion since I'm sure I already ruined our friendship in some way.

So I have a question what actually makes a true friend?  Or a close friend?  Why do people act like your friend hang out with you and when there world is falling or they need help you're there to help them, but when you fall they let you continue to fall, and then splat.  The only thing I have is God, friends must be over rated, perhaps we are to go through life just knowing people long enough to make a difference and then disappear and move on? 

So what happens when you feel like your whole world has come crashing down and you hvae no hope of surviving.  You're at the end of your rope and wishing that you could change the way you think, or the things you did or said.  Obviously you can't live that way you can't live with regret and trying to fix the past, but the future is going to hell anyway.  I'm ready to call it quites, I've thought about suicide before but I'll never actually be able to do it.  I think the reason i'm feeling so down is the fact that I've given my heart away to to many people.  I've had a lot of friends in my life, and I've had a lot of close friends, and then I've had about 12 people that I've actually thought maybe there the one, granted only 4 of them were in high school and one of them is here in college now.  And i always seem to make the mistake of telling the person I like them, we are close friends everything is fine and then BANG!! I blow it up by telling them that I actually have feeling beyond friends for them, now I'm back to being all alone again with no way to fix it, the most recent incident has left me with no self respect left...with no drive left....no hope left....nothing all i have is my faith and even that is on the edge now...What to do?  I don't know probably never will....guess i'll go through this life and wait till it's my time to die, which i keep asking  "Why not now?"

This is my first blog...not really sure what I'm doing.  I am one of those deep thought type people and I'm thinking that this may help me to understand myself a little better if I start typing it up and putting out there for people that I don't even know.  I am currently in college and there has been a lot of confusing stuff going on in my life recently that has gotten me to thinking a lot.  My two biggest questions is where to go from here when I graduate and if I should get married or not.  The what to do after graduation is one that will just have to be answered in time, the married one most people tell me to wait the "right girl" will come along.  But I can't help but think what if the right girl is already here, but she's taken, or already dumped me.  I only ask this because my girlfriend of 1yr dumped me a month ago, and there is a girl in my class but she is in a serious relationship, but she fits what I want in a wife so very well to find another like her seems impossible.  Those are my thoughts for now.